I've been in a pretty privileged position to have so many views on a lot of my cartoons on Youtube, but something hit me last month when I reached a new peak. I looked at me getting 4 million views in 2 days and I just felt really empty, and I didn't understand why!! I'm doing my own thing and I'm succeeding from it, so why didn't I feel anything?! Why wasn't I jumping for joy?!

Well, maybe it's because I wasn't doing what I wanted to do, and I recognized it subconsciously. I'm a 22 year old man making vertical format short animations about flavor of the month trends. And I do try to hand pick only topics I enjoy personally - Pizza Tower, for example, is something I genuinely enjoyed - but this still doesn't feel like something I want to do with my life.

And so, I've been on a journey this past month trying to figure out what I genuinely want to do. What would I do even if people said it was a bad idea? What sort of project would I go through hell to make happen?

I've been chasing numbers for so long that I don't know the answer to that anymore. At one point I wanted to make a webcomic - at another, a game - but the burning passion I had to make both of those things once before has faded. What remains is a tiny ember. Sometimes I think about it - but I no longer find myself idly doodling my original creations like I once did.

This is Cirri - my PFP here on Newgrounds, as well as the subject of many of my drawings pre-2021. I made this drawing shortly after having a mental breakdown, and y'know, it probably shows. The anatomy is fucking weird, it's not a very clean drawing at all, plenty of errors. But this is probably the first drawing I've made in months that I like... and it's because it wasn't made with anyone else's desires in mind. This wasn't made to pander to anyone, this wasn't made for twitter likes or for money, I drew this just because I felt like drawing Cirri. I used to draw her all the time before 2021, and you can even see that if you check my art by year on Newgrounds. But when 2021 rolled around, I made an animation for the FNF animation jam that got 20 million views, and it was alllll downhill from there when it came to my artistic integrity. Since then, it's all been scheming to see what's popular, what will get me views, how I can put in the minimum effort for the maximum results - but never again was it ever been about making something the best it can be, because I want to.

In a way, Cirri represents my artistic integrity, and that's why she faded away from my drawings when I got a mere taste of popularity. It's not like art depicting her didn't get good reception - she's an attractive hourglass girl after all- but it probably wasn't ENOUGH likes compared to meme garbage or popular established characters, and so I stopped, even though I love drawing her.

Well, now we're in 2023. I haven't improved too much as an artist. My sub count has improved... somewhat, I guess? But does it fucking matter? What GOOD is a sub count other than a fancy number to brag about? I just want to be happy and make something I'm proud of, and if I'm lucky, live off of what makes me happy.

I went into the whole Youtube thing with the idea that "I can make money doing what I love, and never have to work a normal job in my life!", but I couldn't be more wrong. At this point of my life, I'm on my hands and knees begging for a minimum wage part-time job, because at least then I could spend my free time making what I genuinely want to make instead of slaving away making soulless garbage on Youtube Shorts for less than minimum wage - for an audience that doesn't care about me or the quality of what I make.

I appreciate this website because I feel like it's given me some sort of direction. I still don't have a definite answer as to what I want to do with my life or what I want to make, but when I see how much love goes into the projects here, it gives me a warm feeling. So I guess that's a starting point.